In the TV show Once Upon A Time, they came up with a concept that holds two pretty dead on metaphors. The magic-doers can rip out hearts.
1: They can control people when they hold their hearts.
2: You can tear out your own heart so you don’t feel as much, including pain.
We all know the first one is true. When you’re in love, yeah, you’ll do anything the person who holds your heart asks of you. And I’m sure I’ll be getting into that at some point in a post, because I know we’ve all been there.
But this post is about that second one. If you have ever been depressed, you’ll probably understand this. I do recognize everyone’s depression is different, but I’m assuming I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I go through phases as part of my grieving over loss. And they don’t go through each stage and then stop there. They circle. And my depression goes through cycles too. Which is one reason it’s so hard for me to get over things and get to acceptance, because I just loop back when I think I’m at the end.
Denial was a huge part. And then I went into being so upset and in so much pain that I couldn’t function. I basically bounced between crying and hurting terribly, and wanting to beat the shit out of anything I could. There’s dents in my wall from when I was throwing my keys around during one particularly bad anger fit.
And then I hit a period of a few weeks in May where my emotions just shut down. I hit overload. I was in so much pain between Grem dying and my breakup hitting me all over again that I went into robot mode.
And life was a lot easier.
Not feeling meant not being in pain and not getting my dander up about anything. I ran into the guy I refer to as my evil ex at a comedy show and chatted with him without feeling a thing, when normally I have an initial rush of fear whenever I see him.
But when you shut down like that, it also means you can’t feel the good.
I visited with friends and had people I hung with, and no matter how great they were to me, I couldn’t feel the connection, friendship, and love you should feel when people show up for you.
Even when the emotions turned back on, and I was feeling the pain again, I couldn’t feel the good. That’s where I’ve been for months.
As far as I can tell, you have to get through the bad and the pain to be able to feel the good.
But right now, I’d give anything to be back in robot mode, because I can’t feel the good right now anyway.
By that I mean, I can’t feel connection fully. When people turn up for me, when they check on me, when I’m hanging with them, it never feels like enough. It never feels like I have people who care enough.
Because they are showing they care, and I can’t feel it, so I think they don’t care.
And that’s on me, not them.
I have to figure out how to break through that and feel it again. Because so far, the more depressed I get, the more I can’t feel that connection, and the more that I detach, the more I feel the need for that connection, and can’t get it.
I do feel. I do love my people. And enjoy spending time with them.
But not as much as I know I should.
It’s a horrible feeling. Hanging with people I love so much, and not being able to connect with them on the level I need. And it’s making me more sad, because I know I should feel more for them, and I can’t. That part of me is blocked right now.
I think this is a lot of people with depression. You can’t feel the amount of love and connection you know you should, and then you feel bad for not feeling it for them, which makes everything worse.
I’m pretty sure this has happened to people I’ve known and loved based on things they did or how they act now. You block emotions because you’re depressed, you can’t reach the happy even when you’re feeling other things, and then you feel bad for not feeling as much as you should for people you do love.
And now it’s happened to me.
I don’t know what to do about it though.
I wish these posts where I’m analyzing what I’m feeling ended with advice and me saying this is what I’m trying to fix myself, but so far, I don’t know what to do. I have no advice.
Mostly, I’m hoping someone else reading this relates, figures out that lack of connection and love they feel, or don’t feel as the case is, is depression, and starts looking for help for themselves.
Happy writing and good mental health.
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